Thursday, January 9, 2014

IUI #1 = BFN

I had it all planned out and it was going to be perfect.  I quit smoking.  I went to weekly fertility acupuncture appointments.  My insemination took place the day following Christmas so it was obviously sprinkled with Christmas magic.  My sister, who only visits once a year was there for the insemination and so was Gracie, making the experience all the more special.  I tracked my ovulation and as you can see in the picture below, the timing seemed to be perfect.  I rested with my hips elevated for over an hour and did the other post IUI recommended activities, (of which I will not mention here).  I took the damn progesterone suppositories, day and night, and yet it didn’t work.  How is it even possible that it didn’t work?


The Scorpio in me wants answers because things aren’t adding up.  The non-emotional and more logical side of my brain knows that getting pregnant on a first try is the unicorn of artificial insemination.  It’s an urban fertility myth, as in, it happens, but it’s an experience that is reserved for the lucky few.  So why am I still so surprised?  Why am I so disappointed?

::We can’t leave out the legs in the air pic::

I guess I subconsciously convinced myself that I was super fertile, that I was the unicorn.  I really believed that if I did everything “right” it would work and with the encouragement of my mom and wife, (the two most optimistic people on planet Earth), who were both sure that I would get pregnant right away; I started to think so too.  Then I took a test on day 5… and another on day 8… then again on days 9 and 11.  I got my last BFN this morning, day 14.  I guess it took 5 no’s for me to realize that it’s "game over" for this round and it's time to move on.

I get it, but it still sucks.  It sucks bad.   

I was texting back and forth with my BF around day 10, telling her that I didn’t think it was going to happen this time because every test I took showed a blaring negative in mere seconds.  She was, of course, supportive as always.  I told her about my phantom symptoms and how my aversion to chicken, matched with my early bedtimes and cramping, convinced me that I was pregnant, but I feared that I wasn’t.  We talked about how much hope goes into conceiving but also what a financial risk it is for same sex couples.  I hadn’t really thought about that side of things before our chat but once it started to look like it wasn't going to happen, the investment part was also disappointing.  She was shocked when I told her that even with insurance, by the time you factor in the purchase of the sperm used in the IUI, the cost of my trigger, the co-pay for my meds and insemination and the ultrasounds (3 in this round), we are talking $800+ for this ONE try.  Nearly one thousand dollars for a maybe… 
Her response, “No joke!  Damn!”  

Don’t get me wrong, as a mama I know that the purpose and possible outcome behind this type of investment is worth much, much more than the money spent.  Still, it feels like a dagger in an already opened wound.

So here we are… Day 14… BFN.  I’ve promised myself that next time I’ll do a few things differently.  First, no early testing!  It just made me crazy and once I started testing, it’s like I couldn’t stop myself.  Second, I need to chill the F out.  Not every sensation in the stomach region is an early sign that a baby is growing down there.  Third, stay healthy.  This time around I took the IUI to mean – eat whatever you want – you might be growing a baby.  Fourth, don’t tell everyone you talk to on a regular basis that you’ve been inseminated because guess what, if you get a BFN, you then have to un-tell everyone who is excited and thinking you’re going to get knocked up.

Anyway, what’s done is done and we’re fine.  We’re disappointed, but fine.  Thankfully, everything we went through with G and our journey to make Grace toughened our skin a bit.  I don’t cry as easily and I definitely wasn’t as upset with this initial BFN as compared to our first with Georgia.  We’re just trying to think positive thoughts and with forward motion, we march on.

How cute would this picture have been in a BFP post?  Alas, that’s just not our story.  

Our story is still being written.       


21 comments:

  1. It's a beautiful picture in a BFN post, and it will still be an amazing picture when you get to make a wonderful BFP post! It will all be part of the journey towards your babe.

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  2. I'm sorry you weren't the unicorn :( maybe next month though :)
    We still joke about the cost (have to laugh at the $$ amount or we'd cry) but we definitely got our money's worth in the end.

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  3. Hey, so it was a BFN this month, but that doesn't mean it won't be a BFP next time. TTC is hard. It was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. I hoped and prayed and cried and repeated the processes a million times before I was blessed with Emily. And you know what, all those tears and hopeful nights were worth it. Don't be afraid to share your story of the process you are going through because we all support you, no matter what. You should be proud of the amazing thing you are doing and that is trying to bring another sweet baby into a family that has more love than many of the families in this world today. If it isn't this month or next month, just know I have faith it will happen. You are meant to have this baby and I hope you have many less nights of tears and hope and prayers than I did with my first and than you did with Gracie, but honestly, all that work makes it more worth it in the end. I love you friend. Keep your head up! You're BFP is already written in His plans!

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  4. :( Damn it. Damn it all to hell.
    First saw those pee sticks and got all excited even after reading the title. I thought you were just fucking with me.
    Here's to a quick next time. And good luck with not testing early. It's IMPOSSIBLE ! IM-fucking-POSSIBLE ! just saying. ;-)

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  5. Ugh I'm sorry too. I was convinced that I was super fertile and it would happen on the first try. I even thought this when our clinic said that our donor's sperm had the lowest motility they'd ever seen! (A story for another day) I was beyond disappointed to see that first BFN too.
    It is coming. Have faith :)

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  6. Ugh. I'm sorry. I was hoping you'd be a unicorn, too (I have a list of potential unicorns, actually, if the universe needs some advice on that topic). I was so disappointed when our first try for round 2 didn't take--I was convinced that because we went through so much with TTC1 we'd get a pass this time. Nope. But your baby will come sometime--and hopefully really soon!

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  7. I'm so sorry. I don't think it matters if it is attempt #1 or attempt #24. It stings. And it stings bad. And the cost behind it does not make it any easier. It's a tough pill to swallow. So we are sending big hugs to you out West! Here is to attempt #2!!

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  8. Daaaaaaaamn Gina!! That sucks so bad. :P
    I wish you were a unicorn too. :(
    Keep your chin (and legs) up!! It'll happen, sister.

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  9. Uggghhhh!!! I so wanted you to be one of those magical first go around BFPs!! :( I know, trust me I totally KNOW, that nothing said can help during a time like this, but rest assured it WILL happen. I always said that the perfect baby comes to those who wait and our babies clearly are going to come out just perfect ;) Keep the faith! We are here for you Mama!

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  10. Yes, your story is still being written.

    I am so sorry Mama. I can't imagine how much it hurts.

    But the most amazing things -- the most beautiful things -- don't come easy. Keep the faith.

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  11. Daggit! So sorry love. I checked my blog roll this morning JUST to see if you had updated. I was really cheering for you. Like I always say, "It's okay to FEEL and DEAL!" Allow your emotions and deal with them as they come. It's ok. I hope #2 is the one for you. (Big Hugs)

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  12. So sorry hun that it didnt happen this time, but we have our fingers crossed for next time!! xxx

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  13. Awwe sorry to hear that! best wishes on attempt number two!

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  14. I'm not going to lie to you, I have a really hard time when people get a BFP on their first try but I honestly was rooting for you to be the Unicorn! I know people always say they know how you feel, but I really know how you feel and I'm so sorry for the sadness and tears. But you already know, your baby is waiting for you and she or he is coming in their own (damn) sweet time. Hang in there, and know I'm in your corner!

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  15. I'm so sorry honey. I am no stranger to these feelings. I felt like I was a Unicorn too...and I wasnt either. Glad that you are refocusing and making a few changes for attempt #2. Sending lots of love and support your way!

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  16. Thank you all so much for the sweet and encouraging comments. This is just the beginning of what may be a long journey so the support I get from all of you means more than you can imagine. :) Thankfully AF arrived right on schedule rather than 45 days later like it did in November... Apparently the clomid is doing it's job and regulating my cycles, yippie! On to round two

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  17. This brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry to hear about the BFN. I can only hope that our positive love and support and the love and peace you have in your life will help you through the roller coaster you are to embark on! I know I am definitely rooting for you and I can't wait until you get that BFP!

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  18. I read this on feedly but this is the first time I've been on a computer to actually reply. I'm so sorry that it didn't work this go around but I am seriously rooting you guys on from here!

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  19. Thank you for the sweet comments Rachel and Alison. I appreciate the support so very much.

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  20. So sorry about your negative. I remember those feelings like it was yesterday. Something I don't wish on anyone. I have come to learn over the past year that everything happens for a reason....we don't see it at the moment because we don't want to but there is a place and time for it all. I know your time is coming. I can see it! God has a plan :)

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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