Wednesday, March 19, 2014

IUI #3 = BFN

To be honest, I never thought it would take me this long to get pregnant.  I say this knowing that some of you out in TTC land may read this and think I’m being a bit overly dramatic.  For the record, I do realize that when TTC through IUI, 3 tries does not equal “a lot” of attempts.  Even so, I didn’t think it would take me 3 inseminations or that come Gracie’s 2nd birthday I would be moving on to round 4.  I was absolutely certain that by the time her birthday came around, I would be pregnant… Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Even though I am considered overweight, I am healthy and I am strong.  When we tested to make sure my fallopian tubes were clear a few years ago, they were.  And while I was diagnosed with PCOS back in 2011, I’ve never had a cyst and my blood tests have continued to come back within normal ranges.  Because of all of this, I really did think I was Fertile Myrtle as my mom insisted I was and to be honest, it’s been very difficult to come to terms with the fact that I’m not.


My BFN following IUI #1 was a bummer.  My second BFN was equally disappointing, but BFN #3 has been the most difficult emotionally and physically.  With the fatigue I felt during my most recent TWW and the abdominal pain I experienced the two days following my insemination, I really thought that try #3 was the ONE.  I broke down and tested on 10dpici but when that was negative I brushed it off as simply the result of testing too early.  When I tested again the evening of day 13 and it was still negative, I knew I wasn’t pregnant and I was pissed about it.  Yes, I was pissed.  Not sad, just angry.

I’m so damn tired of feeling tired all the time.  I’m tired of feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my clothing.  I’m sick of being moody… I mean seriously, my wife deserves a medal for what she puts up with some days.  I’m so over this emotional roller coaster and the fact that I’ve only been at this 4 months and I’m already feeling this way worries me a bit.  More than anything, I just want to feel well again.  Lately it seems like I’m always sick.  I remember this happened when G began taking fertility meds and suddenly it seemed she had a cold or flu like symptoms all the time.  Now it’s my turn and like her, it’s taking a toll on my immune system.  Right now I’m on week two of a pretty crappy cold.  This is following being sick in January and February and for someone who used to only get sick once to twice a year, this is definitely not the norm for me.  For those of you who have taken fertility meds, what was your experience?  I was on Clo.mid at first but switched to Letro.zole and still I feel the same.

So there you have it friends… The journey to bring a second kiddo into our family continues.  I’m strongly considering taking a cycle off this month and jumping back in come April.  G and I have been talking a lot about it and really what it boils down to is that I’m hesitant to inseminate while my body is busy fighting off whatever it is I have right now.  With the limited vials we have remaining, every failed attempt is one less chance of baby #2 sharing Gracie’s adorable and perfect DNA.  The thought of that just breaks my heart.

I mean, come on… Who wouldn’t want another one of these?!


As I began writing this post I laughed thinking about how I told G back in December that I would never blog about my inseminations.  At the time, I felt that TTC was far too personal a journey to share with others.  The plan going into this was that I would share information in the same way we did when Georgia got pregnant.  I would not write about all of the grueling details associated with negative pregnancy tests, disappointment and frustration, and I definitely would not share personal stories of my experiences with each BFN.  Instead, my original plan was to wait until I was pregnant and in my second trimester before writing a “we’re pregnant” post like we did before.  Then something strange happened… We started the process and I found myself desperately trying to find posts written by fellow bloggers who have been on the TTC crazy train and have dealt with the same kind of disappointment.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t really finding what I was looking for.  It seems that sharing about ones fertility woes goes hand in hand with sharing stories of miscarriage – you don’t.  I did come across a few blogs that I’ve found comfort in and my hope is that my BFN posts will do the same for someone else who is trying to make a baby and finding that it’s not as easy as they thought it would be.

It’s a scary thing writing about this kind of stuff.  You worry that you’ll be judged because your experience differs from others, or that you’ll come across as whinny for even writing about those first few BFN’s.  I know I’ve felt this way, almost like I needed to TTC for at least a year before being allowed to feel sad about it or share my feelings.  Then I realized that a person’s first BFN is heartbreaking.  So is the second and the third and the tenth.  They all matter and it’s okay to be sad about it.  It’s okay to feel jealous of those lucky ones who get pregnant right away or angry with moms who keep having babies with no intention to care for them.  It’s okay to be disappointed that things aren’t going according to plan, so that’s what I’m allowing myself to feel.  I still have complete faith that I will make a baby when the timing is right.  I have faith that our little one will look like Gracie and share her beautiful eye color or happy little demeanor.  I understand that I am a work in progress and that miracles take time.  I have faith in how far I can go. 

And now I’m crying.  Stupid fertility drugs.  Anyway, I’ll leave you with this --


Acupuncture selfie.  I get so bored lying on that damn table.



28 comments:

  1. De-lurking to say hello and thank you for your post! I'm in a bit of a different situation but can TOTALLY relate to feeling like it's best not to share my disappointments/woes, yet finding so much comfort in reading stories of people in similar situations. My partner and I are also looking to TTC for the second time, and are switching the partner carrying. I got pregnant in August (on our 4th IUI- maybe your 4th time will be the charm???) and in January developed a really early, severe case of preeclampsia. After two weeks in the hospital our baby Henry was born (at 24 and a half weeks), and died minutes later- he was just too small to survive. It's been horrible, but gradually gets better each day. Because I now have a really high chance of developing preeclampsia again, we will be switching to my partner for our next go-around. Anyway, I don't want to bum you out with another sad story, but just wanted to say that I totally relate to what you said in your post, both when I think back to our 4 TTC attempts last year, and as we start preparing to try again. I don't have a blog but love reading about other two mom families. (Although, the recent events have made me seriously consider finally starting a blog myself- seems like it might be therapeutic!) Good luck good luck good luck, I totally feel for you, and keep blogging about it- I'm sure there are many others like me who appreciate what you have to say!
    Sarah

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    1. Hi Sarah, thank you so much for this heartfelt comment. My heart broke as I read it. Please know how very sorry I am that you had to say goodbye to your precious boy, Henry. I can't begin to imagine how anyone would get through that. I'm praying for you and your partner that you will have a little one on the way soon.

      And I absolutely agree that you should start a blog! It has been incredibly therapeutic and when you become a part of the LBGT blogging community, there is so much support. If you do decide to start one be sure to let me know. I would love to follow. :)

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    2. Hey Sarah!
      I wanted to pop over and say I'm so sorry for your loss, like Kristin, I could never ever imagine the emotions you are going through right now. I hope you start a blog as well, I would be more than interested to follow you during your healing process and also help support and uplift you!

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    3. Thanks you guys! I appreciate it. I will do some serious considering about a possible blog... Seems scary to put it all out there, but I'm sure the community and support would make it worth it!
      Sarah

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  2. Girl! First of all, you should take more bored selfies, that picture is beautiful. SECOND - you never need to be worried about what other people think about how you spend this time. This is YOUR space and it's YOUR experience and frankly, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

    I think you are a great mama already and I know that you will have your heart's desire, I know that a second baby will be just as lucky as Gracie is! Your time is coming! I know it!

    I'll tell you a little secret too, I feel guilty for getting pregnant on the first try! Because it's people like you - I look up to your courage, your strength, and your perseverance of heart and spirit! I need you to know that your blog has spoken to me over these last two years in so many ways. Not just because these girls are birthday twins, but because you are so freaking awesome, a kindred spirit and I feel like if we lived closer, we would rock the best crafty-ass mama's club ever!

    Anyway, I want you to never ever get down on yourself, girl, you are the best person I don't know in person and you deserve everything the world has to offer you and you will get it! ((HUGS)) Hang in there!

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    1. LOL, the beginning of your comment cracked me up and totally made my day - thanks friend! I always try to be sensitive to the journey of others because I know that my situation could be much worse. I have a good friend who has tried conceiving for years with her husband (thousands of dollars in fertility treatments) and then went through IVF and the one possible baby who made it through the process didn't stick and she m/c a few weeks in. Now they are out thousands and thousands of dollars and are still childless. It just breaks my heart. When I think of people who have been through those types of painful situations, I feel guilty for feeling helpless or sad about our situation. I then have to remind myself that we're all on our own journey and its okay to feel sad even when you're not faced with the worst possible scenario but still a very difficult one.

      Thank you for your kind words. They really do build me up when I’ve feeling low. Oh, and if we did live closer we would start a crafting mamas group and it would be legendary!

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  3. So sorry about the BFN! :( Reading your words made me remember all those painful months over a year ago when I was feeling exactly how you are feeling right now.
    Angry, sad, jealous. I also didn't intend to write on my blog about my struggles, but looking back, I'm glad to have a record of it. I did get some negative comments about me being whiny and "please, it's only been 4 months", and there were some really rude ones as well. I feel like 3 months with a doctor and on drugs is just not comparable with 3 months trying at home with your husband (for free!).
    I never got sick on Clomid, but I was super emotional and grumpy for 5 days. Katie called them my crazy pills. That stuff is no joke!
    I also never thought I'd be the one who is "infertile", I was so healthy and no one in my family had problems. After 6 tries (with the last one with injectable meds and 5 mature follicles!), we switched to my partner's eggs and IVF. I'm still wondering if I could've carried my own egg if we just kept trying and even though I love this baby so much already and I know it was "meant to be" Katie's egg, I wonder if I will try again with my own eggs for baby #2. It was hard for me to come to terms with never having a biological child. Alright, enough rambling! :)
    Sending you lots of strength and hugs!!! Hang in there Mama!

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    1. Thank you for the sweet message Nadine. I didn't realize that you blogged about your BFNs. I'll have to look back over your journey. I also had no idea you were carrying Katie's egg. I've always thought it was so awesome when lesbian couples do that.

      I'm sorry some people left you hurtful comments. It's sad that some people feel it's ok to project their own anger on others. Clomid made me a total nut job, plus I worried it was thinning out my lining. The thickest it was for my 3 ICI's was a 7...

      It would be awesome if you were able to try for #2 with your eggs but I also know nothing about IVF so I'm thinking that may be a pricey option. Thanks so much for the hugs!

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  4. Thanks so much for this post. I've had 4 IUIs (1 with clomid) and am still not pregnant :(
    I got pregnant with our son on the second try, so like you I was a bit overconfident going in this time. This post was nice to read for me. My partner and I aren't really telling too many people about our attempts so at times it can feel isolating.

    Thanks for sharing your journey and I will send positive pregnancy energy for you :)

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    1. Hi Joy, so great to meet you. I completely agree that TTC can feel isolating. Even when you know others who are TTC, every experience is so different that it can feel very lonely.

      Do you have a blog? If so, I'd love to follow! Sending lots and lots of baby dust your way!

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  5. I hate to send you to read my early blogging, because we ended up doing IVF even though they never found anything wrong with me--clear tubes, no PCOS, normal hormone levels, good follicles = nothing doing. But if you need to read about someone getting increasingly bummed out about the process, there it is! Hopefully you're just waiting for your lucky month--they say it can take a number of tries, even if everything is perfect. Sometimes even if they fertilize they don't keep developing if something isn't right. But I'm sure you'll get perfect baby #2 to match Gracie, and soon!

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I'm not sure if you know this but yours was the first 2 mom TTC blog I ever followed! I'm pretty sure I've read most of what you've written over the past 2+ years and I promise, it's hasn't bummed me out.

      It took us 7 tries with Grace so I don't think I'll totally lose it unless we get to that point so fingers crossed!! Thanks so much for the positive thoughts. It means a lot. :)

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  6. I so appreciate the honesty, because you know what - why should we hide when things hurt and are hard and are not turning out the way we hoped they would? We shouldn't. I take solace in knowing that others go through what I go through - we need to connect, its part of being human, and there is nothing wrong with that. And you provide so many of us (myself specifically) with so much hope! I know, deep down in my heart, with every fiber of my being, that somehow this is going to work out for you. And you are going to look back and realize that the struggle and the journey and the tears and anger - that they brought you to a place you were meant to be. I only hope and pray that it will be sooner rather than later for you!

    Thank you for being vulnerable and true and honest. You are so Brave, Warrior Woman!

    Hang in there!
    -Sarah

    P.S. Clomid and Letrozole both made me insane, bloaty, super tired, nauseous etc etc. That junk is no joke, just try to ride it out!

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    1. I absolutely agree that connecting about this kind of thing is powerful. Knowing that you're not the only one going through month after month of disappointment helps for some reason.

      Saying that my blog gives you a feeling of hope meant the world to me, I just want you to know that. I also hope you know that you and your wife are on my TTC prayer list (yes I have one, lol). I can't wait for the day that I get to read your, "we're pregnant" post. It's coming!

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    2. I'm totally going to make a TTC prayer list now, what a good idea :)

      Also out of curiosity are you doing ICI or IUI? (or both/mixture)

      You're awesome, I'm thinking about you A LOT!

      -Sarah :)

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    3. Hi Sarah, turns out that I was a bit confused, lol. We've done IUI's, not ICI's. The tech at my RE's office corrected me a few weeks ago when I mentioned doing another IUI telling me that we've done ICI's. I clarified with my RE and we've done IUI's. That's what I get for listening to some random dude... I've corrected my post, haha!

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  7. I have nothing insightful to say here at all, but that I love you friend and I pray that one day soon you will get that BFP. TTC was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done. Harder than labor because of the emotional roller coaster you are on with all the BFNs. Got so tired of peeing on things, because I peed on A LOT OF STICKS. Secretly though, I am glad I went through that hard time, at least once, because it made me appreciate the process that much more. That it wasn't easy and I worked my ass off for this beautiful creature. That I yearned and cried and cried some more, but it was all worth it. You will have that day soon. I know it. I love you Sister. And I am thankful that you are sharing your story because I never had the courage to blog about it and people need to know that reality isn't always 16 and pregnant style conceptions.

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    1. Thank you so much M. Your support and encouragement of me and my little family means more than you can imagine. Love you too!

      Oh and LOL about the 16 and pregnant style conceptions, haha!

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear this :(
    I wasn't blogging during our TTC journey but sure wish I had been to share & encourage others, along with the reassurance from others who've been on a similar journey.
    Not to sound discouraging but if you do have your heart set on biological siblings IVF might be worth looking into? It is expensive but in the end we ended up paying less for IVF than what we did for all the months worth of meds, IUIs & donor sperm.
    I'm positive your time is approaching but if you do get down to just one vial left its something to think about.

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    1. Thanks for the support, Spring. I would jump at the opportunity to do IVF, in a heartbeat. The financial aspect is definitely what's preventing that from being an option. Our insurance covers 90% of all our fertility expenses for ICI but would not cover IVF. From what I've read on other blogs it seems that IVF costs between 15-20k and I just don't know where people come up with that kind of money? I'm praying that things don't come to that but if we get down to 1 to 2 vials, who knows.

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  9. Wow where to begin? Simple truth: all BFNs hurt. They just do. Does not matter if 1st or 21st. I know, we've been just right there. I'm sure I don't have to send you over to my blog for the raw emotions of ttc failures, but if need refreshed the 2 years preceding September 2012 is pretty much a wonderland of ttc confusion. Like you, there was just no apparent reason that we were not getting that BFP. Strangely enough our RE told us that almost all fertility issues he sees involves the 2nd baby attempts and that couples tend to be more eager and get more stressed out when trying for #2 because they have an idea in their heads about the "right" age span of siblings, the we already did this once, why isn't it working now mentality and so on. Add in the dynamics that come with role reversals in switching up the who is trying this time and it just becomes a big mess of emotions and angst. This shit is hard. No other way to say it, it just is. You are so brave and strong for sharing here, for knowing that you have a community who understands you and is rooting for you every step of the way. Truthfully when you did not say anything at the beginning of the week I grinned to myself and thought, "She is so pregnant and waiting to tell us!" I hate, HATE, that ended up not being the case. I am sorry, so so very sorry. Please know you are not alone.

    And agree with the comments above, you need to take more selfies like that...completely beautiful! Whether you end up sealing the deal with the same donor, that baby is going to come out gorgeous based on your genes alone!

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    1. Amanda, your TTC posts have been a great source of hope for me. There have been days when I've spent an hour at a time just reading so thank you for that. I laughed when I read what your RE told you about parents being eager with baby #2... that's definitely us. G was just telling me last week that I need to slow down and breath and she's right. We didn't even begin to intervene medically with her ICI's until after the 4th BFN but with me we went the fertility med route from the start. She keeps reminding me that it took us 7 inseminations with her and I'm panicking after try #3, which is doing nothing to help me actually conceive. I know I need to chill but that's so much easier said than done. I am going to continue working on it though.

      Thank you for the incredibly sweet comment, Amanda. Your kind words and support mean so much.

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  10. Hi I am a lurker of your blog and wanted to chime in on this one as I can relate! I got pregnant the 1st try with our oldest and was shocked! When we tried for our 2nd I thought for sure it wouldnt take too long, but didn't think we would be lucky enough to get it on the 1st try again.Well after 20+ tries, 3 years, and 2 miscarriages we decided to switch to my wife. She was able to get pregnant and bring us our second child. I was so confused as to why it wouldn't work with me. I was so bummed every month and was feeling like a complete failure. How could it work so easily the first time and not the 2nd? I too am over weight but completely healthy and have regular cycles. Well now I am pregnant again with our 3rd! It took us 7 tries this time and we almost gave up after 6. It is a depressing and emotional roller coaster ride while TTC'ing, but so worth it in the end. So don't give up, stay positive, and keep going! All of our kids are 5 years apart, but it's perfect for us! Also none of our kids have the same donors but they look alike. Everyone is always shocked to hear how our kids have no blood relation at all because they look like they do!

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    1. Hi Merr! I'm so glad you de-lurked! ;) 20 tries, I can't even imagine how your survived 20 two week waits - that's amazing. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages but so happy to read that you're expecting! Huge congratulations to you and your family. Thank you for the well wishes and words of encouragement. I think I needed to hear that it's okay if it turns out that we have to go with a different donor for baby #2, so thank you for that.

      Do you have a blog? If so, let me know what it is - I'd love to follow. :)

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    2. Yes I do have a blog but it is private. If you give me your e-mail, I can send you an invite to read if you would like!

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    3. Awesome! How shall I send it to you? I'm not sure if it's a good idea that I paste it here?...

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  11. You can email it to me at merr_bow@yahoo.com

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  12. Oh honey. I'm so sorry to see that this attempt wasn't successful. I think that its completely normal to be surprised that it hasn't taken yet. I know what when we were trying to get pregnant with Noah I was shocked that the first 4 IUI's didn't work. Each time just got harder and harder instead of getting easier. We're going to start trying again this summer and I've been trying to prepare myself for the possiblity that it may not work right away. We are firm believers in everything happens for a reason... He has a perfect plan for you and your precious family.
    Thinking of you and sending lots of Love and Support your way. *hugs*

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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