My BFN following IUI #1 was a bummer. My second BFN was equally disappointing, but BFN #3 has been the most difficult emotionally and physically. With the fatigue I felt during my most recent TWW and the abdominal pain I experienced the two days following my insemination, I really thought that try #3 was the ONE. I broke down and tested on 10dpici but when that was negative I brushed it off as simply the result of testing too early. When I tested again the evening of day 13 and it was still negative, I knew I wasn’t pregnant and I was pissed about it. Yes, I was pissed. Not sad, just angry.
I’m so damn tired of feeling tired all the time. I’m tired of feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my clothing. I’m sick of being moody… I mean seriously, my wife deserves a medal for what she puts up with some days. I’m so over this emotional roller coaster and the fact that I’ve only been at this 4 months and I’m already feeling this way worries me a bit. More than anything, I just want to feel well again. Lately it seems like I’m always sick. I remember this happened when G began taking fertility meds and suddenly it seemed she had a cold or flu like symptoms all the time. Now it’s my turn and like her, it’s taking a toll on my immune system. Right now I’m on week two of a pretty crappy cold. This is following being sick in January and February and for someone who used to only get sick once to twice a year, this is definitely not the norm for me. For those of you who have taken fertility meds, what was your experience? I was on Clo.mid at first but switched to Letro.zole and still I feel the same.
So there you have it friends… The journey to bring a second kiddo into our family continues. I’m strongly considering taking a cycle off this month and jumping back in come April. G and I have been talking a lot about it and really what it boils down to is that I’m hesitant to inseminate while my body is busy fighting off whatever it is I have right now. With the limited vials we have remaining, every failed attempt is one less chance of baby #2 sharing Gracie’s adorable and perfect DNA. The thought of that just breaks my heart.
I mean, come on… Who wouldn’t want another one of these?!
As I began writing this post I laughed thinking about how I told G back in December that I would never blog about my inseminations. At the time, I felt that TTC was far too personal a journey to share with others. The plan going into this was that I would share information in the same way we did when Georgia got pregnant. I would not write about all of the grueling details associated with negative pregnancy tests, disappointment and frustration, and I definitely would not share personal stories of my experiences with each BFN. Instead, my original plan was to wait until I was pregnant and in my second trimester before writing a “we’re pregnant” post like we did before. Then something strange happened… We started the process and I found myself desperately trying to find posts written by fellow bloggers who have been on the TTC crazy train and have dealt with the same kind of disappointment. Unfortunately, I wasn’t really finding what I was looking for. It seems that sharing about ones fertility woes goes hand in hand with sharing stories of miscarriage – you don’t. I did come across a few blogs that I’ve found comfort in and my hope is that my BFN posts will do the same for someone else who is trying to make a baby and finding that it’s not as easy as they thought it would be.
It’s a scary thing writing about this kind of stuff. You worry that you’ll be judged because your experience differs from others, or that you’ll come across as whinny for even writing about those first few BFN’s. I know I’ve felt this way, almost like I needed to TTC for at least a year before being allowed to feel sad about it or share my feelings. Then I realized that a person’s first BFN is heartbreaking. So is the second and the third and the tenth. They all matter and it’s okay to be sad about it. It’s okay to feel jealous of those lucky ones who get pregnant right away or angry with moms who keep having babies with no intention to care for them. It’s okay to be disappointed that things aren’t going according to plan, so that’s what I’m allowing myself to feel. I still have complete faith that I will make a baby when the timing is right. I have faith that our little one will look like Gracie and share her beautiful eye color or happy little demeanor. I understand that I am a work in progress and that miracles take time. I have faith in how far I can go.
And now I’m crying. Stupid fertility drugs. Anyway, I’ll leave you with this --
Acupuncture selfie. I get so bored lying on that damn table.