Monday, May 12, 2014

Miscarriage.

Last week I was two months pregnant.  Today, I’m not.  I miscarried our little peanut on Friday at 8 weeks, 1 day, the weekend of Mother’s Day.  I’m honestly not sure how I’m doing because every day has been so different.  Friday was horrible and painful but then Saturday was better.  Sunday was Mother’s Day so that was tough and here we are on Monday.  So far Monday has sucked.  I still have our little ones ultrasound pictures hanging on the refrigerator because I can’t yet bring myself to take them down, and I still have a memory box Georgia got for the baby on the guestroom bed because I’m just not sure what to do with it right now.  My breasts are still sore and I’m still exhausted because it seems my body has not yet realized that it’s no longer growing a human.  I’m praying it will figure it out soon because being in a bad place emotionally and physically is breaking my spirit. 

This pregnancy started out wonderfully.  It’s something I’ve actually been journaling about since we started the two-week wait back in March with plans to share the posts in a few weeks when we would have announced to the world that Gracie was going to be a big sister.  I’m not sure what to do with those letters now.  Part of me wanted to still share them but felt that looking back on all of the excitement that filled the past two months would be too difficult.  Another part of me felt that I should just tuck them away with the few photos we have and move on.  For whatever reason the second option makes me much sadder then the first, probably because I feel like choosing to not talk about this pregnancy and to not share this part of our journey, would be like pretending it never happened.  That just feels wrong to me. 

I spent some time today reading through pages and pages of journal entries spanning the past 8+ weeks and picked a few to share, so here they are.  You all know how this story ends and while it is so heartbreaking that our baby wasn’t ready to join us and that these words and a few black and white photos are all we’ll ever have, I’m still trying desperately to have a thankful heart.  I’m trying to find the blessing in the fact that I CAN get pregnant.  I’m trying my best to focus on the gift of love that is my amazing wife and supportive family.  And more than anything I’m trying to find happiness in the perfect baby girl who calls me mama.  She decided to show us that she knows all the words to “You Are My Sunshine” this past weekend and sang me the song over and over again.  She’ll never truly know how much that helped her mommies.   

{March, 2014} Ready, Set, Go!  Insemination day video :)




{April 9, 2014} BFP!!!


As I type this I still can’t believe that it’s true, but IT IS!  We’re having a baby!  Gracie’s going to be a big sister!  I have lots to share about how we found out but lets begin at the start of the day because it was quite eventful. 

G had a work event early this AM so I took the Bean to her grandparents house on the way to work.  Our commute was just like any other.  We played I spy and sang songs, nothing out of the ordinary.  That was until we arrived at Gracie’s Gaga and Papa’s house… I pulled up and in the 30 seconds it took me to get out of the front seat, pick my keys up off the ground where I dropped them and open the rear drivers side door, Grace threw up ALL over her, the car seat and the Jeep floor, poor little babe.  I didn’t even know what to do for a good 10 seconds.  Lately she’s been teething and has had her hands and fingers in her mouth a lot.  She’s gagged herself on numerous occasions and on our morning ride she was doing it again, only this time she was trying to fit her entire hand in her mouth!  She must have figured out how to fit her little fist in there because as I was parking and before I even had a chance to notice anything was going on, she spilled her cookies.  It was no fun… no fun at all.  Getting her cleaned up while trying to keep myself vomit free was no easy task either.  I’m just glad that this time, the throwing up wasn’t because she was sick.  My Jeep still smells like baby barf but at least she doesn’t have a fever...  Just trying to see the positives, you know! ;) 


As I went in for today’s acupuncture session knowing it would be my last before we tested, I couldn’t help but think the entire time how awesome it would be if I were pregnant and didn’t need to keep coming for much longer.  When G got pregnant with Grace she stopped going once we got the BFP and now that we know I’m preggers, I’ll probably go to one or two more sessions and be done.  I still can’t believe it!

And now for the GOOD STUFF!!! 

The plan going into this TWW was that under no circumstance were we going to test before day 14.  As you’ve read thus far, we kept very busy and I was feeling really good about the wait.  That was until day 9.  Following my spotting on day 8, I became a Google searching fanatic and the desire to test early started to creep in.  I’m actually surprised that I made it to the evening of day 13 to be honest, lol.  When we got home from work tonight, I told G that I felt like testing and she was all for it so it was go time!

The next thing I knew I was in the bathroom peeing in a cup and seconds later G had the pee stick in hand, counting to 20.  When she finished and replaced the cap she stayed staring at the test.  I immediately yelled to her, “what are you doing?  We’re supposed to wait 3 minutes – stop staring at the test!” and before I could even finish my last sentence she looked at me in total shock and said, “I see a second line”.  I was still sitting on the toilet trying my best to get my pants up while also telling her that she better not be f-ing with me (true story… that was my initial response, ha!).  I felt like I wanted to scream for joy and cry simultaneously!  I ran up to her see the test and there it was, a very faint second line.  I looked at Georgia and she looked at me in just total disbelief.  The happy tears soon followed and lots of hugs.  The test started getting darker and darker within minutes, which prompted us to take a digital test… that too said PREGNANT!


{April 11, 2014} The REAL pregnancy test!


Following two rounds of blood work my numbers look great!  
It’s officially official – we’re having another baby!


{April 13, 2014} 4 week baby bump :)

When G was pregnant with the Bean she agreed to let me take a picture of her baby bump once a month.  Had I had it my way I would have taken a picture every week but she wasn’t having that, haha!  The first couple of pictures I took of her looked exactly the same but once she got to around 5-6 months, you could see a real baby belly and it was awesome!  I made a pregnancy journal (photo album) after Gracie was born and I often go through it with our gal showing her pictures of when she was growing in her mommy’s belly.  She loves it.

I wanted to do something similar with baby #2 and because we went with a once a month belly pic with G, we decided to do the same with me.  So here it is, my first of 10 baby bump pictures.  I love that Grace is going to be a part of this picture project and I’m thinking it will be extra special to see how much she grows as her little brother or sister grows.  The picture is totally silly and a very fitting reflection of the stage of life our wild one is in right now.  It’s impossible to get her to stand still for more than 3 seconds much less hold a chalkboard and smile on queue, so this is what we ended up with.  A perfectly imperfect picture of me, the bean and our little peanut being just as silly as we could be.  Have I mentioned how much I love this child lately?



{April 15, 2014}  5 weeks and already slacking!

By this point in G’s pregnancy I had already written around 6 journal entries about our growing little bean and here I am just getting around to journal entry #3.  I have several totally valid reasons for this and here they are (in order): 1.) I’m so flippin’ tired.  How is it even possible for a human to be this tired?!  I mean, seriously.  2.) We have a toddler and she’s a wild one. 3.) I still can't believe it. 

I told G about how I was feeling today and that I was nervous that according to my fertility app I would normally get my period tomorrow.  I told her, “what if my numbers have dropped and I wake up with my period tomorrow?”  I know this is me being paranoid but these first couple of weeks are always scary.  I think I spooked G too because she came home with more Clear Blue Easy test tonight and they were the ones that tell you not only if you’re pregnant but also how far along you are in your pregnancy based of your HCG levels.  We both breathed a sign of relief tonight when the results confirmed that not only am I still pregnant but right on track testing at 4-5 weeks along.  After reading the results G said that I need to just relax and once again, she’s probably right.

Anywho, it’s late and I’m pooped.  Special shout out to my beautiful wife on her birthday.  Love you baby cakes. 

Good night and sleep tight little peanut. 


{April 21, 2014} The word is OUT…

Umm, yeah… “Operation Keep Baby #2 a Secret” has officially failed, lol!  I don’t know who we were kidding thinking we could keep things under wraps for 3 months.  The mission to do this was doomed from the beginning because the reality is that we are way too close to our families and they see each other far too often to keep something like this covert.  As I wrote in an early journal entry, we told our parents, sibs and my best friend about our BFP the day it happened.  This was pretty much the plan all along.  Outside of that close circle of people we wanted to keep things hush, hush until we at least had the opportunity to see our babe on an ultrasound and make it to 8 weeks.

Fast-forward to Easter Sunday and plans kind of fell apart.  My mom hosted Easter at her house this year and most of my mom’s side of the family attended including G’s parents.  It was a lovely day and I felt great!  As our afternoon neared an end and G’s mom and dad made the rounds to say goodbye to my family, everyone slowly congregated in the middle of the yard.  As we were all chatting and hugging, G’s dad let the following slip, “It was fun seeing all the kids play today.  By this time next year we’ll have another baby joining the group.”  My mom immediately looked at me as did everyone else and that was it.  The cat was out of the bag.  I went on to confirm to everyone (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.)  who were all staring at me, that I was pregnant.  So much for keeping it a secret... ;)


{April 24, 2014} 6 weeks  - Little Peanut’s 1st Picture!

Behold, the first official photo of our beautiful little peanut!  According to our doc everything looks great!  Here’s a comparison picture of Grace and baby #2 at 6 weeks.   



{April 29, 2014} When all you can do is pray

The last 12 hours have been tough to say the least.  It started last night when I used the bathroom and noticed some spotting on the toilet paper after wiping.  It wasn’t a lot, no clots of blood and it was a light pinkish color but still I panicked.  I called G to take a look and we both agreed it would be a good idea to call our nurses line.  Surprisingly, I was patched right through to our previous doctor in the practice (the one we requested to switch from several months ago).  After describing the situation he said he felt everything was fine but thought it would be a good idea that we come in the following morning just to have a look.

Our appointment was at 8:45am and they called us back right away.  We expected to hear our peanut’s heartbeat and go home with a picture but were told that while there is a visible fetal pole, the yolk sac appeared to be larger than it should (measuring at 5.95mm) and that things didn’t look “normal”.  At 6 weeks, 4 days our old RE stated that he didn’t believe this would be a viable pregnancy.  He didn’t say that we are miscarrying and asked to see us again but also left us with little hope.

We were completely shocked, I immediately started crying and it didn’t help that the RE we were meeting with is the same person we requested to switch from several months ago.  He was an insensitive dick today just like he was a dick back then.  I felt like he wasn’t explaining things and I felt like we were rushing through everything.  I just couldn’t understand how it was possible that looking at my uterus for less than 3 minutes and taking one measurement, which neither me nor Georgia actually saw him take, would be enough to determine that we were likely miscarrying.  He kept telling us that my yolk sac was “too large” and “not a normal size” but he couldn’t tell us what normal was.  He couldn’t even give us a range of what normal would be considered.  He just said that 5.95mm was too big. 

After the appointment, once I had some time to clear my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t measure the baby?  Why didn’t he take more than 2 minutes to try and find or see the heartbeat?  Why didn’t he zoom in like our other doctor does to get a closer look and why didn’t he order stat blood work to check my levels following his “diagnosis”?  As I’ve blogged about before, I’ve always got negative vibes from this guy and when we asked to switch it was an uncomfortable process.  We had to follow up making several phone calls and even had to speak personally with the office manager before they would approve the switch so as you can imagine, things were awkward to begin with.  Fast-forward 20 minutes, the appointment was over and I felt like we were hit by a bus and the guy who just hit us sped out of the room like nothing happened.

I don’t know what to think and I don’t know how to feel other than sad.  Our doctor is out of town until the 6th so our options are to come back and meet with Dr. Dick Face again and likely receive the same rushed and sketchy treatment or to personally request to have blood work done and wait until our doc is back next week to take another look. 

As of tonight, we’re still not sure what to do but we’re praying that while we figure things out our little peanut continues to grow. 


{April 30, 2014} Faith

Thank God for my mom.  Really, I thank the dear Lord for her.  After yesterday’s appointment I drove straight to her house.  I needed to cry with her, I needed to voice all of my concerns and negativity with her because she always balances me in that way.  She’s so good at listening to me but also has faith for the both of us anytime I lose mine.  She is forever optimistic.  She is forever supportive and I definitely needed that yesterday.  After our appointment I didn’t know where to go and I didn’t know what to do.  I knew I couldn’t go to work because my face looked like a punching bag but I also didn’t want to go home because I knew G and Gracie weren’t there.  The only place I could think to go was my mom’s house where I grew up.  By the time I got there and rang the doorbell the shock of it all had worn off a bit and I was feeling angry.  I told her that the doctor said I was likely going to miscarry and I just didn’t understand.  She listened to me and spoke at all the right times.  I sometimes get bothered with her always-positive nature, but on days like this, I think that’s the magnet that pulls me to her.  I felt broken.  I had no hope and I think a piece of me was praying she had hope enough for the both of us. 

I was only there for a short while but she said something to me that gave me the strength to move forward and be strong.  As she was telling me to be positive and have faith that things weren’t finished yet, I said firmly that it was over and I just needed to face it.  She then told me something that has kept me going since.  She said, ‘until you know that baby has gone to heaven you have a job to do.  You need to have faith and you need to be strong for the baby that is growing inside of you.  You can’t give up on your baby’.  I hadn’t thought about it in that way but she was right.  I have no control over what my body does these next couple of days and I have no control over the news we get at our next appointment, but I can choose to believe. 

So for now, for today and until I’m shown otherwise, we still have a baby on the way. 
We’re choosing to have faith.


April 30th was my last journal entry.  It was confirmed on May 6th that I would miscarry and that it was only a matter of time.  It looks like our little peanut stopped growing at around 7 weeks but it’s hard to be sure when it happened.  Our RE gave us all the usual statistics like 2 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage but that did little to mend our broken hearts. 

Broken is exactly how I feel right now.  I’m having a hard time understanding how last week I was expecting a Christmas baby and this week there is no baby.  I don’t understand how in one ultrasound everything looked perfect and then it didn’t.  I feel like in the short 8 weeks and one day that I was pregnant; I somehow already began to build a dream of a future for this little one that will never happen.  I pictured myself pregnant with a big belly, I prayed every night and tried to do everything right but it just wasn’t meant to be.  For now, I’m praying to find my peace with that.    

Thanks for listening friends.    




42 comments:

  1. Oh Kristin. I'm just breaking for you. I'm sitting on my couch crying. I'm not sure there are any words but know that I'm holding you in my heart and my prayers. I hope that the peace comes quickly and you know that you are so very loved. I'm so sorry that this little one couldn't stay with you this time. Love you my friend. Love love love! - Sarah

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    1. Thank you so much for these sweet words, Sarah. Today was better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before. I think it's just going to take time. Love, love, love back to you!

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  2. I am so so sorry to hear this. We are both thinking of you and your family during this time.

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    1. Thank you for thinking of us. :)

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  3. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the disappointment. I had one chemical and that was crushing enough. I'm sorry the doctor was so insensitive. He should have compassion, especially being a fertility doctor and having people go through this kind of roller coaster ride. What a jerk. Sometimes I think we find out about the pregnancies so quickly compared to back in the day so we get to see a lot more of the early miscarriages and chemical pregnancies whereas a lot of straight fertile people would never realize they were pregnant in the first place.

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    1. You're right Stacey, a part of me wishes I never knew it happened and never saw pictures of our growing little peanut. That's the tough thing about TTC in this way. You know too much all the time and that's not always a good thing. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to us.

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  4. *sighs* I STILL remember the morning I woke up & saw your BFP pic. I yelled to Nicole ,"OMGGGG Yesssssss Kristin is Pregnant!!!" I shared in that amazing moment and I'm so thankful you got the opportunity to experience a BFP. As I shared in your excitement....I now share in your sadness. I'm so sorry my friend. Don't let this break your spirit. Don't let this steal the joy that WILL come when you ARE pregnant again. I know it's hard but know my prayers go out to you, your wife and your family. (Hugs)

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    1. I was so excited to share that announcement with FCBL. I felt like I was always reading of others BFPs so when it was finally my turn, I was beside myself with joy. While I'm sad that this little one was not ready to meet us I'm trying to focus on the positives in that I now know I can get pregnant. I'm praying it won't be long before we see those two lines again.

      Thank you for the prayers my friend. :)

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  5. Replies
    1. It's very sweet of you to leave us a message - thank you.

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  6. I am so so sorry for you loss. My heart aches for you guys and everyone else (including us) who has gone through the often silent pain, of miscarriage.
    Sharing on the blog can definitely be a great way to work through all those feelings. We planted trees for our angel babies that we refer to as our 'baby trees' as we wanted a way to remember them. And to mourn to loss of not only the babies but the hopes and dreams that came with the pregnancies too.
    Sending lots of love, peace and healing your way.

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    1. It felt good to write about it as I'm sure you understand S. I love the idea of planting a tree or something like that to remember the little spirit that was with us for such a short time. Once we sell our home and move, that will have to be one of the first things we do.

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  7. Oh no, this is so sad. We are so incredibly sorry to hear this :( you are a beautiful family and we are thinking of you during this difficult time xxxx

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    1. Thank you L&S. We're doing a lot this week and just trying to stay busy and take it one day at a time. Now that the physical pain is behind me, I feel like I'm ready to move on to what we need to do next. I know the emotional pain will take longer but I'm feeling strong.

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  8. So sorry for your loss and heartbreak....

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    1. Thank you for reaching out to us. It means a lot.

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  9. My heart aches for you all right now!
    I don't know if this will help right now but it might...
    I got pregnant with our boys the very next cycle after my miscarriage.

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    1. That really does help, Spring. Hearing any stories that end with a baby (or babies), gives me hope. I've heard from so many people say that it's better not to wait too long to try again and I think that's our plan. Our RE insists that I have at least one full cycle but we're thinking we may jump back in after that. G ended up getting pregnant with Grace two IUI's after her miscarriage so that gives me hope too.

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  10. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to the three of you!

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  11. I'm heartbroken over your loss. I know that it is such a painful (and extremely lonely) experience. And there is not a single word I can say that is going to heal your broken heart at the moment. But I can promise you that each day will get just a bit easier. And that you will always hold a special place in your heart for this baby. This experience will change you not only as a woman but also as a mother but it also an experience no other mother or woman would ever wish upon someone else. Our love to you and your family.

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    1. The days are getting easier so I'm thankful for that. Thanks so much for the support and encouraging words. I know that you both went through a lot to get your beautiful boys and reading about TTC journeys like yours, with happy endings, has been something I've revisited since everything happened. It's helped me a lot so thank you for that.

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  12. I know I've already told you, but I'm just completely heartbroken for you and G. The journal entry where you went to your mom's house, sobbing. Total sobbing over here and yes faith, choose faith everytime! So much peace and love being sent your way.

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    1. Thank you Amanda. You've been so very supportive and it means the world to us. I haven't re-read this post since I wrote it because it took me two days just to get it typed out and I too feel I would just cry and cry. I'm hoping that the next time I come across this post and feel strong enough to read it, I'll have Gracie's little brother or sister in my arms. Faith, faith, faith.

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  13. Oh Kristin, I really wish there was something I could do, and I am so very sorry you and your family are going through this right now.

    I had a miscarriage in my first year of marriage, and it was just so surreal. Mourning a loss is heartbreaking to begin with, but to lose a child you were just only starting to love - one that you never got to know - is a particularly awful pain because you also have to mourn the loss of what could have been. And the dreams you had. And then you have to deal with people who just expect you to carry on because the baby not being born somehow implies that it was less of a baby. But nothing sucks more than thinking your life is going to go a certain way, and coming to the conclusion that it's not going to go that way at all. Or, at least not at this very moment.

    I never knew I was pregnant until I was actually in the hospital, so I don't know what its like to experience this type of pain after having so much anticipation for the pregnancy, especially since I know you guys have been trying so hard for this, and praying for it so long. But I can tell you my heart is aching for you. That belly shot with Gracie brought tears to my eyes and a lot of anger, actually, because it seems the worst things always happen to the people who deserve it the least.

    I don't know why these things happen. Doctors like to go on and on about how common they are, as if that makes it easier to deal with. But what I do know is you're an amazing person. And so is your wife. And so is that amazing little girl you're raising. And God? Well, I like to believe he's pretty amazing too, and your little one is in good hands.

    The only thing I can really say, I guess, is to keep the faith, just like you're trying to. We're really in control of so little when it comes down to it. It's hard to take comfort in the concept of a bigger plan at times like these, but I always remember that struggles were promised. Without them, we wouldn't need faith in the first place. So when I'm absolutely terrified, or livid, or at the mercy of trying to understand things I know I never will, that's when I submit.

    Anyway, please know you have my prayers, and all my love.

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    1. Thank you for your very sweet message, friend. It's unbelievable to hear and be told of all the miscarriages there have been just amongst my friends and family. It's like, once you become a member of this group you suddenly learn of so many others who have been through it and it’s just heartbreaking to me. I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. It’s just so unfair but like you said, all we can do is keep the faith so that’s my focus right now.

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  14. Thank you for sharing your very personal entries you have shared your babies life, no matter how long with us. I send you lots of love and my thoughts are with you both lovely ladies. Take time, be kind to yourself xxx

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    1. It means so much to us that you took the time to leave this message of support, Hannah. Thank you.

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  15. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imaging the heartbreak that your family is going through. I'll be thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you for thinking of us, Angela. We're all doing better this week compared to last week so I'm thankful for that. Just taking it one day at a time.

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  16. I'm so sorry.....Gracie will be a wonderful big sister someday.

    Leslie

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    1. I think so too - thank you Leslie. :)

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  17. Still thinking of you and praying for peace. Sending you lots of love.

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    1. Thank you M. We'll take all the love we can get right now.

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  18. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I had been hoping that you were pregnant and was just getting antsy for the big announcement. I'm so sad that you had to announce your loss instead. I agree with the other commenter--Grace is going to be an awesome big sister someday. And I hope that the process goes smoothly and that you have an easy time getting pregnant again. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

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    1. Thank you Isa. All I want is to make our gal a big sister so I'm just trying to stay focused on that. G got pregnant again on the second IUI following her miscarriage so I'm praying it happens fast for me too. Thank you for thinking of us.

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  19. I'm so sorry guys :( There really aren't any words. You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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    1. Prayers are always happily welcomed. Thank you for thinking of us, Ashleigh.

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  20. I'm so late on this, but this is so sad! I just tear up thinking about you guys right now! Gracie's video was adorable, and maybe someday soon you will have that baby brother for her! Hang in there! I'm sending lots and lots of love, peace, and healing vibes to you all! ((HUGS))

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    1. Thanks so much Rachel. Thankfully we don't think Grace totally understood that she had a sibling on the way so she's doing just fine. We're all doing better actually. I have another blood test this week so we're hoping my numbers have gone down.

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  21. So very sorry! Having suffered thru 2 miscarriages (singleton at 8 weeks and twins at 10 weeks) I know what a horrible time this is. Please know we're thinking and praying for peace and healing.

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    1. I'm so very sorry to hear about your miscarriages, Kim. I can't imagine going through this twice, you must be one very strong mommy. Thank you for praying for my little family.

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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