With Grace being our lucky #7 baby, we had high hopes for my 7th insemination. This round came following a 2 month weight loss break. I had an HSG and Hysteroscopy exam, which showed a “very healthy uterus” according to our RE and nothing looked out of the ordinary. We did all the regular acupuncture sessions and I took all my required meds. Folli checks showed several good-sized eggs and even though I went back on Clo.mid, my lining looked good for implantation. Still, it didn’t work.
A major hurdle that we’ve encountered in the last two IUI’s is that post wash; our donor’s sperm count has dropped dramatically. Enough that the sample was considered a poor/low sperm count sample in both of my most recent inseminations according to his numbers. WTF! This has never been the case with our donor before now. He was well above 70 million post wash for all of G’s inseminations and still pretty high up there for my first couple of rounds and then this happened. In both cases we found out while I was literally on my back, feet in stirrups, which let me just tell you is probably the worst time to get bad news. In both IUI’s we of course moved forward with the inseminations because I had already taken my meds and triggered so we didn’t want all of that to be a waste. I mean what do you do when the donor that helped create your first kiddo suddenly takes a dive in the sperm motility department. You inseminate anyway and hope for the best.
The blogosphere is a very small place and believe it or not, I came across another two mom blog right before G became pregnant with Grace and they were using the same exact donor as us! Considering we picked our out of state sperm bank because of the strict regulations they have on the number of families that can have offspring from the same donor, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. There description of the donor, specifically the things they mention were written in his file matched ours exactly, same sperm bank, same everything. Anyway, after months of trying with him these moms-to-be switched because, guess what – he had a low sperm count. I wasn’t that concerned at the time because we became pregnant quickly after coming across the blog but now I’m wondering if that had something to do with the fact that it took 14 months to get our BFP with G and if that could be impacting my chances now. Considering I have PCOS and MTHFR, I’m pretty sure it isn’t helping.
After this recent BFN I had a tough couple of days. I didn’t allow myself to fall into a pit of despair as I did this summer because that was way too damaging to me emotionally and mentally and I just can’t have another anxiety attack. The anxiety attack was one of the worst experiences of my life and while I made the conscious effort to keep it together, there were definitely some tears that following day. I even approached G about switching back to her because at this point I just want a baby. All I know is being a non-belly mama and it’s been amazing. My love for Grace is as deep as it gets and I know in my heart that I couldn’t possibly love her more even if I carried her. I tried convincing G to start the prep work so that if these next 2 attempts are unsuccessful (with our last two samples from Gracie’s donor) we would be ready to switch to her. She refused. She explained that it’s not that she doesn’t want to experience pregnancy again; she’s just not ready to give up on me yet. I know, I know, best wife ever.
She brought up the fact that we need to get over this hang up we have on using the same donor for baby #2 that we used for baby #1, because in the end it doesn’t matter. Our babies will be our babies and they will be siblings regardless of the DNA that is shared between them. You would think I would already know this considering I have zero biological link to Gracie and yet she is 5 million percent my kiddo. I guess I just needed reminding. It’s like this big heavy weight has lifted off my shoulders since we had that conversation and the pressure to make it work with these last two vials has lessened. It’s still there because, well, my kid is gorgeous and I would love to have another just like her, but if we have to start over with someone new, we will and it’ll be ok.
I switched insurance to a much more comprehensive private plan that has even better fertility benefits so that should hopefully help to offset some costs we will have in the coming year. We’ve decided to do one more regular old IUI and if that doesn’t work we’ll try injectables for my last chance with our current donor. If that doesn’t work we’ll move on to a new donor making sure that his number are high and if I can’t get pregnant with a new donor after a few attempts, we’ll move on the IVF. Basically we’re still 100% in this and ready to pull out all the stops until there is a baby in my belly.
I know this post probably comes off a bit enthusiastic and oddly positive considering my TTC history, but in all honesty, I’m terrified. I just pray that our baby is out there and this is all part of a big plan to bring that little one into our lives. If you’re the praying kind, please pray for us. We also gladly accept positive thoughts and baby dust.