Sunday, April 12, 2015

The old me…

Is far superior to the new me. The new me sucks. Infertility sucks. It changes you. It’s changed me.

I used to be so carefree. I was this super energetic, positive and overly confident person. I remember when Georgia and I were having early conversations about having a baby – it wasn’t even a question that we would start with her. She’s almost 4 years older than me. Her parents are 20+ years older than my mom and were long overdue for a grandbaby that looked like their daughter. We figured G would have our first kiddo and then I would take the ball from there. It was going to be a piece of cake.

Turns out, I can’t have babies. Not yet anyway.

I haven’t shared too much about how things went for us post egg retrieval, so here it is. I was disappointed when I only ended up with 10 eggs. I was reading IVF blogs like crazy leading up to my retrieval and read post after post about women having 15-20+ eggs retrieved and honestly thought that would be the case with me. So you can imagine my surprise when they came back in the room and through my grogginess I heard them say they only got 10. I told the nurse, “10 doesn’t seem like a lot”. Her response was, “it could have been zero”… She was kind of a B.

I was super thankful when they called to say that of the 10, 8 were mature and all 8 fertilized. I thought, great! I’ll have 8 chances to get pregnant. I was still basking in my 8 tries excitement when they called a few days later to say that only two made it to day 5 freeze. TWO?! Only two. When the nurse told me I had to keep myself from asking, “are you fucking kidding me?” I cried. I felt so guilty. I felt like I had failed Georgia and Gracie. How could there only be two? My stomach was still swollen from my retrieval. I felt like total shit and had injection bruises all over my legs as I was given this bad news. It was a tough couple of days in the Roybal house.

As always I just needed a few days to wrap my head around the idea that I would only have two tries. I somehow found my positivity and was in a good frame of mind when we did my transfer.


We all know how that turned out.

Right now, today, I just want to be done with this. I don’t even want to do my last FET. I’m done being positive and optimistic. I’m sick of taking medications. I’m over driving across town to acupuncture appointments and I’m tired of spending so much money on something that isn’t working. It’s been almost 2 years of this and most days, I’m just sad.

I feel so bad for G. Lately I don’t even want to be around myself so I can only imagine how she feels. I have so much mom guilt and feel bad that there have been a few times Grace has caught me crying. My mom keeps telling me that it’s good Gracie is being exposed to all of these emotions because it’s important for her to know that even mommies get sad sometimes and that it’s ok. Still, I feel bad.

I know some of you are reading this and thinking that with this kind of attitude how can I expect it to happen. The thing is, up to this point I’ve been positive. I’ve read a million inspirational quotes. I’ve meditated and prayed. I’ve exercised and done everything else they’ve told me to do. It just isn’t working.

I wish it was.


I came across this picture yesterday and it broke my heart a little. This is the first picture Georgia ever took of me in my tiny apartment 9 years ago.

It’s not that I want to go back to that time because I didn’t have my amazing little gal then, I just miss that girl. I miss my old self and I pray I can find her again soon.

Thanks for listening friends.


23 comments:

  1. Amen. Infertility changes a person, it just does. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You have every right to miss "the old you" but I think the "now you" is pretty amazing!

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    1. Thanks so much Amanda. Today has been one of the worst. I was feeling pretty low on Saturday but today has kicked my butt emotionally. On top of everything else, my fertility clinic is being remodeled and is closed all month. They've had to push a ton of retrievals and FETs to May and June, which means I can't try again for months. Ugh. At least I'm allowing myself to have wine and coffee this month before I start detoxing again in May. Coffee and wine make everything better.

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    2. Wine increases fertility, it's a fact. Do you know how many babies are the result of "I just had a few glasses of wine...."?!?! Drink up! ;)

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    3. I'm with Amanda. I enjoyed my tea and wine during my TTC days and the ones that worked--I had a ton of wine the night of the IUI. I think it relaxes you and so many people get drunk and end up pregnant. :P

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    4. Thanks Stacey, lol! I went the IUI/wine route a few times during the year we tried via insemination. Now with IVF and because it involves injectables, I try not to mix. The one time I had a glass of wine while on stims I suddenly began have hot flashes and panicked a bit. It may have just been a coincidence that I freaked out but it scared me. BUT for now, I'm going to drink all the coffee and wine I can, haha! The break between now and FET #2 is going to be a long one, so I may as well enjoy myself. ;)

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  2. Amen again. I empathize with all of this. And as we consider IVF I'm scared of who it will turn me into (since trying with IUI made me a crazy person). The thing is, it's ok for you to decide you are done (well...assuming you discuss with G...) It doesn't make you any less. And I think the "old you" is still in there, she helped to build this new fantastic you. Hang in there lady, the sh*t can't last forever. And yay coffee and wine!

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    1. You are so very sweet, Sarah. I'm thinking that "this shit can't last forever" is going to be my new mantra! Haha!

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  3. All I can is send a virtual *hug* and let you know that there is someone out there thinking of you all.

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    1. That means a lot to me. Thanks friend. :)

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  4. I just want to wrap you up in a giant hug. I'm thinking of you sweetie.

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    1. Thanks so much, Rachel. I'll take all the good vibes and well wishes I can get!

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  5. I'm so sorry and all I can offer are virtual hugs. Fertility stuff SUCKS.

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    1. It sure does. I'm so glad that I will soon be done with it.

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  6. My sweet friend. I was brought to tears reading this. I know that you don't feel like the old you, but she is still in there. I see her in your bright smile every time I see you! (which by the way is not often enough) You are an amazing person and a great mom. You have a beautiful soul. I admire you in ways you may never know. Big hugs! Love you dear friend.

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    1. Well Michele, you've done it again! You've made me cry. I swear, these days my feelings pour right out of my eyes... Your sweet words really do make me feel better about this whole situation I find myself in. I just want a little sib for Grace SO BAD and I'm at the point where I don't care how we do it or who makes it happen. It would be great if it were me but I'll gladly be the non-belly mama again or adoption sounds fantastic too! It's hard to think about starting over, getting insurance stuff figured out or even knowing where to begin with adoption, but I'm sure we'll figure it out. We always do. Hugs to you, my friend.

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  7. I'm so sorry you hit this funk. You hid it very well in your original post.
    It's easy for me to be excited for this journey so I'm sending you lots of luck, lots of peaceful easy feelings and hugs.

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    1. Thanks so much, K. As I'm sure you experienced during those years you battled infertility before having your beautiful little gal, you never know what kind of day you're going to have. Some days I'm super positive and optimistic and then other days the weight of it all feels like it's just too much. The day I wrote this post was one of the hardest days I can remember having. I'm actually thankful for the forced break we're on right now. My head and heart need some time off.

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    2. It made me really sad to know that you are so sad! It broke my heart reading this...TTC changes us, in ways that we never expect or anticipate. I don't know you personally (even though I think i know ALL my blog friends on that level..LOL) but I'm certain that you are still that same person. Everything we experience in life, good or bad, molds us into who we are. We add little pieces to ourselves, so you're still you, just with some extra stuff, and that's ok. One thing that did stick out when I was reading was that you feel that you are failing G. LISTEN UP SISTA! As the wife of someone that cried incessantly and begged me not hate her because she was "failing" me by not getting pregnant, YOU ARE NOT FAILING YOUR WIFE/FAMILY! Being on this side of it, you have no clue how it pained me to see my wife being upset because she thought she was upsetting me, when it couldn't be further from the truth. What I had for that woman was admiration and more love than I could have imagined. She continued, after being knocked down so many times, to try and make a family for us. There was no failure there at all...setbacks, sure, but failure? Never...be gentle on yourself friend...the struggle is real, and when you're ready, IF you're ever ready, you'll try again, and you may just get another little miracle..thinking of you and sending you some light and love (and hugs! Tons and tons of hugs!)

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    3. I know I emailed you back after this message but just read it again and wanted to say thanks. :)

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  8. I have done three egg retrievals. First one they only got four eggs out of which only one was fertilized. Our son! Second retrieval, seven eggs and two fertilized but no pregnancy. Third one, five eggs, one fertilized. Our daughter!

    So hang in there. Infertility sucks. But it's not about the number of eggs it's about the right egg.

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    1. Oh my! If you don't mind me asking, how in the world did you affort 3 rounds of IVF? This has been a once in a lifetime thing for us and we're broke. You have no idea how great it makes me feel to know that you had one egg and both times it resulted in a kiddo! With one remaining, that's my dream. It isn't about the number of eggs, it's about the right egg!! I'm going to just keep repeating that to myself. :)

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  9. I think that comment about the right egg is spot-on! I never got too many, and never had any make it to freezing, but I ended up with three perfect babies. I hope that yours is just chilling (ha!) and waiting for the time to be right. But the whole process sucks, and it's easy to blame yourself even though you obviously have no control over this aspect of your body. I'm holding you and your gorgeous family (including your stunning mama--whoa!) in my thoughts and praying that Gracie will have a little sibling very soon.

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    1. Thank you so much, Isa. I know you left this comment a few weeks ago so I'm not sure that you'll ever read this but I still wanted to say thank you. :)

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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