Is far superior to the new me. The new me sucks. Infertility sucks. It changes you. It’s changed me.
I used to be so carefree. I was this super energetic, positive and overly confident person. I remember when Georgia and I were having early conversations about having a baby – it wasn’t even a question that we would start with her. She’s almost 4 years older than me. Her parents are 20+ years older than my mom and were long overdue for a grandbaby that looked like their daughter. We figured G would have our first kiddo and then I would take the ball from there. It was going to be a piece of cake.
Turns out, I can’t have babies. Not yet anyway.
I haven’t shared too much about how things went for us post egg retrieval, so here it is. I was disappointed when I only ended up with 10 eggs. I was reading IVF blogs like crazy leading up to my retrieval and read post after post about women having 15-20+ eggs retrieved and honestly thought that would be the case with me. So you can imagine my surprise when they came back in the room and through my grogginess I heard them say they only got 10. I told the nurse, “10 doesn’t seem like a lot”. Her response was, “it could have been zero”… She was kind of a B.
I was super thankful when they called to say that of the 10, 8 were mature and all 8 fertilized. I thought, great! I’ll have 8 chances to get pregnant. I was still basking in my 8 tries excitement when they called a few days later to say that only two made it to day 5 freeze. TWO?! Only two. When the nurse told me I had to keep myself from asking, “are you fucking kidding me?” I cried. I felt so guilty. I felt like I had failed Georgia and Gracie. How could there only be two? My stomach was still swollen from my retrieval. I felt like total shit and had injection bruises all over my legs as I was given this bad news. It was a tough couple of days in the Roybal house.
As always I just needed a few days to wrap my head around the idea that I would only have two tries. I somehow found my positivity and was in a good frame of mind when we did my transfer.
We all know how that turned out.
Right now, today, I just want to be done with this. I don’t even want to do my last FET. I’m done being positive and optimistic. I’m sick of taking medications. I’m over driving across town to acupuncture appointments and I’m tired of spending so much money on something that isn’t working. It’s been almost 2 years of this and most days, I’m just sad.
I feel so bad for G. Lately I don’t even want to be around myself so I can only imagine how she feels. I have so much mom guilt and feel bad that there have been a few times Grace has caught me crying. My mom keeps telling me that it’s good Gracie is being exposed to all of these emotions because it’s important for her to know that even mommies get sad sometimes and that it’s ok. Still, I feel bad.
I know some of you are reading this and thinking that with this kind of attitude how can I expect it to happen. The thing is, up to this point I’ve been positive. I’ve read a million inspirational quotes. I’ve meditated and prayed. I’ve exercised and done everything else they’ve told me to do. It just isn’t working.
I wish it was.
I came across this picture yesterday and it broke my heart a little. This is the first picture Georgia ever took of me in my tiny apartment 9 years ago.
It’s not that I want to go back to that time because I didn’t have my amazing little gal then, I just miss that girl. I miss my old self and I pray I can find her again soon.
Thanks for listening friends.