Thursday, May 14, 2015

Things you should NEVER say to a person facing infertility: {Lesbian Edition}

- “You’re so lucky your wife can just have all of your babies”. Oh yeah, thanks. Lucky me... I was told this by the receptionist at a recent acupuncture appointment. I had just told her that this next try would be my 10th and last attempt. As she updated my file, that was her response.

- “Now you don’t have to deal with horrible morning sickness and stretch marks”. Umm, I already have stretch marks and I would LOVE to be nauseous. I-WOULD-LOVE-IT! Here’s the thing, it’s never a good idea to try and convince someone who is heartbroken and spending thousands of dollars trying to create a life, that it sucks being pregnant. It’s the one thing we would love to have happen to us. It’s basically the best thing in the world that could happen to us. We welcome the cankles, the sleepless nights and the aversions to food. Trust me, if and when it happens, you won’t hear us complaining.

- “Your body won’t hold on to a baby if it’s not healthy enough to keep the baby”. Well kick me while I’m down, why don’t you. So not only have I miscarried, but it’s my body’s fault that I miscarried. Ugh. Damn you, stupid body.

- “Statistically, if you haven’t gotten pregnant by the 4th attempt, it’s probably not going to happen”. *sigh* A person facing infertility is WELL aware of all the statistics. So you spouting them off offers zero help… Nada. None. Zip. Zero.

- “You better hurry, you’re not getting any younger”. Well, no shit. With all the movies that make a mockery of people who say things like this, it amazes me that these kinds of sentences still fall out of the mouths of otherwise fairly intelligent adults. Unless you’re my mom (who always forgets how old she is), most people are well aware of their birthdate and age. And let me just say that as the days tick by and time quickly passes, I need a reminder of how old I’m getting like I need a hole in the head.

- “I don’t know why it’s taking so long. My husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant”. Really, that’s great. Congratulations! You win the fertility blue ribbon. The thing is, I don’t have unlimited access to fresh spe.rm. I have to buy that shit and it’s expensive as hell. Oh and when I’m given it, my uterus not only naturally contracts because there’s a metal object being shoved into my vag.ina… BUT my body also tries to kill the little guys who make it because they’re viewed as foreign contaminants. But good job on all those kids of yours. Be sure to high-five your husband for me.

- “Maybe you just need to lose more weight”. This one makes my head spin and I’ve only been told it once, thank God. Listen up finger pointers, being thin does not equal being healthy! I know that’s how Americans view health, but it’s a distorted view. I mean, crack heads are thin but are they healthy? Not so much. What I wanted to yell at this family member was – YES, I am a full-figured woman! I also quit smoking almost 2 years ago for this venture. I exercise. I meditate. I go to acupuncture. I’m strong. I eat healthy (most days) and I don’t abuse drugs, prescribed or otherwise. I’m healthy damn it. I’m just a voluptuous Latina with huge boobs, so get off my case! 

And last but not least… The one I detest.

- “This is God’s will”. I don’t even know where to start with this one… Do not tell someone that it may just be God’s will that they aren’t meant to carry a child. Even if that’s what you truly believe. After months and sometimes years of trying, we already began to feel like the world is against us, so telling us that our God is willing this to happen and that maybe we’re not meant to carry a baby, well that’s just mean. It’s an insensitive thing to tell someone, even if hurting them is not your intention when you say it. For many of us, our faith is all that’s holding us together, so telling us that our faith in what our bodies can do doesn’t matter because it’s not part of God’s plan… Well, it leaves us feeling hopeless.   

These are all things that have been told to me by friends, family and medical professionals over the past 20 months, as we’ve worked to make Gracie a big sister. I’m sharing this because I think that when you aren’t the person facing infertility, when you’re not in the infertile trenches with these people, it’s very easy to say something hurtful even when that’s not your intention. Having said that, there’s also things that you should know not to say, even if you have zero personal experience with struggling to conceive. Some things just require a little common sense.

And a tiny bit of sensitivity.



16 comments:

  1. I want to punch all of these people right in the face for you! The first one always gets me because the FRICKEN doctors always say that shit to me. Lucky you have a wife who can have babies. Would they ever say that kind of insensitive bs to straight women?!!!! Ugh. I'm so sorry that people open their big mouths. You're better than all of that. And one of the bravest women I know! Thinking of you!

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    1. Oh sister, there's a reason that ones at the top of the list! On what planet is it okay to say something like that to someone?! It's just crazy. Thank you for your sweet words.

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  2. What is wrong with people! It took us about a year to get pregnant with Emily and I remember all my friends "weren't even trying" and got pregnant. I hated when they would point that out. I hate everyone who has said any of these things to you friend. People can be such insensitive idiots.

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    1. I know, right?! Idiots for sure. The whole "opps we're pregnant again" thing gets annoying. That's actually one of the reasons I'm never on FB. I'll link pictures I post from IG to FB and occasionally posts albums, but other than that, I'm never on there. There's just too many, "we're pregnant" bombs for my sanity, haha. I'm honestly happy when friends and family are blessed with a new bundle but depending on the kind of day I'm having, it can sometimes throw me for a loop. Thanks friend.

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  3. Ugh, I've heard a few of these as well. People can be insensitive assholes and I'm sorry you have some of these people in your life as well!
    I don't know if I ever told you, because I never wrote about it on the blog, but Fox is not my biological child. We came to a point where we had tried for over a year with me, and we were out of money and out of hope. My doctor had told me that he doesn't think I could become pregnant, but never found a reason why. So Katie's grandma told us she would pay for IVF, but only if we used Katie's eggs instead of mine (so she would have a biological great grand baby). It was such a slap in the face, let me tell you.
    Of course I love this little boy more than anything and I don't think it's any different if he was my egg, but in the moment I felt blackmailed and not worthy.
    Hang in there, I'm thinking about you and know you'll have another baby, one way or another! Hugs to you!

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    1. Thanks for your sweet message, Nadine. I somehow know that you did IVF with Katie's eggs but I'm not sure how. Maybe you wrote it in a comment you left me? The funny thing is, I feel like Fox looks more like you than Katie, lol! I'm sorry that you were put in a position where you absolutely welcomed the IVF offer but that it had to come with string attached like that. And I would imagine it was pretty hurtful for Katie's Grandma to say that she wanted a biological grandchild when you and I know that love makes a family... Not biology.

      Oh and p.s.- you are worthy. So worthy and a great mommy!

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  4. Uggghhh! At one point or another, I have heard all these, in reference to Kris and myself. I loathe the first one too. I can't count how many times I've been told, "oh but you already have children by your wife, why do you want to get pregnant so bad, you got kids the easy way." STFU!!! And the one I hate the most, that is not listed and I hope you never hear, is: "Do you just want to have your OWN baby?" As if the two we have are not equal to any I would carry. I get this from my sister a lot and it burns me up.

    I'm sorry this journey has not been easy for you. I so wanted it to be. I'm not giving up faith though! Oodles of baby dust coming your way. It is not too late, I promise!!!! (Says the lady with a soon to be 2 year old that took us almost 2 years to conceive!!!!)

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    1. Oh man, I forgot that one! I've been asked the, "don't you want your own baby" a few times, once by my mom. She quickly recovered with, "well, I don't your OWN baby because you already have a baby... Well, you know what I mean." I think that's an example of when someone says something without thinking it through even through they really don't mean for it to hurt your feelings. I can't believe that Boo is going to be TWO. When the heck did that happen?!

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  5. It's so frustrating how annoying and insensitive people can be. :(

    I never heard the "if it didn't happen in 4 tries" as our doctor used to say "most people get pregnant within 6 months but it's normal to take up to a year." I have friends who conceived on try #19. It really isn't an exact science as much as they try to make it out to be one. :(

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    1. Yeah, it really is. My RE is the person who told us the 4 try thing, but I've also heard from others who are TTC that a year is really what pushes someone into the "infertile" category. Or that's what they've been told anyway. You are right though, it seems all docs have something different to say.

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  6. I think in general people say thing to try and help us look on the "bright side" to try and make us feel better. It's really hard to see a "bright side" when you are infertile. I'm always surprised at the things that people say. Wait. No I'm not :-)

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    1. I absolutely agree that often times friends and family just don't know what to say... However, people should know better than to tell someone that they're getting old, that they should lose weight or that they have little to no chance of conceiving. Some things are just common sense stuff, you know.

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  7. Your courage and bravery astounds me and is an inspiration. As a 20 year old suffering from PCOS and considered almost obese because of the weight gain (nothing shifts the weight!) I already fear so much about TTC. I'm only 5'1 and a half so I look a lot bigger than I am but I constantly get weight comments and people telling me to start "sorting out my health now" before we TTC in a few years... It doesn't help that my fiancé is a skinny minny no matter what she eats and I already get told "oh you'll be fine at least Gabby can have the babies for you!" So. Much. Frustration.

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  8. Wow! How insensitive can people be?! That is beyond frustrating. I'm sorry that you've had to listen to all that crap from family and friends. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!

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  9. I hate people sometimes for this very reason, just learn to shut up & stop saying stupid shit when you don't know what to say at all. ugh, I so wanted this to be easy for you too & hate that you're going through all of this.

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  10. Anonymous02 June, 2015

    I hate all of these and I hate you are dealing with this. It took all my strength not to punch people when they would say this stuff to me.

    Your ig follower,
    Ashez728

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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