Monday, June 15, 2015

I'm out.

Well guys, it didn’t work. Two weeks ago we transferred my last little embryo and hoped and prayed, rested and did everything we were told to do and it just didn’t take. My RE made sure to point out once again that we opted out of genetic testing of the embryos so we have no way of knowing if they were even viable prior to transfer. Honestly, in hindsight, I’ve very thankful that we chose not to spend the addition $4000 to have them tested. Had we gone into even more debt for something that still has less than a 50% chance of working, the negative result would have been all that much harder to deal with.

This last time I was convinced it worked. I even went so far as to tell G that it worked and that I was sure I was pregnant, without a doubt. My body felt pregnant. My uterus felt tight and heavy. I was exhausted. All the signs were there, so it was so confusing to hear that we weren’t successful. Then, a few days later, as I was packing up the TTC stuff located all over the house, I went to put away all of my meds and thought, no wonder I thought I was pregnant. Between the Metformin, Foltab 800, Progesterone and Oil injections, Estradiol, Vivelle Estrogen Patches and supplements I was taking, what made me think it was even remotely possible to know what was going on with my body. There was just no way I could have read any kind of signs considering I don’t even feel connected to my body right now. It’s just amazing how easily hope can create symptoms of things that aren’t really there.

To be honest guys, I’m very sad. We’re extremely sad. When we found out that IVF would be a covered option, I honestly thought it was going to happen. This was it. I really was going to get to experience pregnancy. It was finally going to be my turn to feel those kicks from the inside, so right now, it feels like a dream that’s died. I feel like there’s a little piece of me that’s gone. I’ve cried, a lot. Most of the tears came the two days before my beta and then again Saturday night. I should have listened to my wife and not peed on a stick before my beta but I didn’t listen. I never do. When it was negative, I just knew that wasn’t going to change in the next 24 hours and it was crushing because I also knew that this was it. There was no plan C for me. There were no more embryos left. I failed at this and nothing could change that.

Right now, I feel like a victim of circumstance. If we had an unlimited amount of money to spend on expanding our family, I really do think I could get pregnant and stay pregnant. If we had unlimited access to fresh sp.erm, I believe in my heart it could happen, but we don’t and that isn’t anyone’s fault. G’s asked me several times if I’m really done or if I want to try again and my answer has been and will continue to be, I’m out. I’m so done. I honestly don’t know how people go through this for years on end because I barely survived 20 months of this shit storm and that was with a supportive family, a loving wife, a flexible work schedule and an encouraging community made up of all of you.

I know we're going to be ok and I really don't think it will be difficult for G to bless us with another little one. I guess, at the end of the day, I really do care more for Gracie and my desire to give her a sibling than I do about being the one to carry that sibling. All I know is being a non-belly mama and it’s been my greatest gift. We're moms and we both know how fortunate we are to hold that title.

I’m sure I’ll feel broken for a while. I’m sure my heart will continue to hurt when I see a beautiful pregnant woman and I know that the image of a brown eyed, curly haired baby will continue to live in my heart and mind. 

I hope I’ll get the chance to hold that baby in my arms one day but for now, I will joyously take any baby God decides to give me. 

I know I did my best. 

Sometimes your best just isn't enough.



14 comments:

  1. Sending you so much love and hugs sister!

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  2. Oh honey, you did not fail. I know it is hard to believe it right now, in the very shitty moment in time, but you are incredible, strong, a fighter, and that has shown time and time again the last 2 years. That is not the definition of a failure. The universe just does this crap. Plain and simple. I swear there is some cosmic force that moves us here and there and through this and that and we have no fucking idea why at the time but then, for seemingly no rhyme or reason, everything just aligns perfectly and we are scratching our heads and wondering what all the fuss and worry before was about. There IS another baby in your future, I feel it as strong as anything else!

    I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry you are sad. I'm so so so sorry that you feel betrayed by your body. I know it is not much, but for what it is worth, I get it. Completely. Nothing but hugs and warm thoughts for you.

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  3. I've been looking for an update from you...I'm so sorry it didn't work out the way you had hoped. Sending you big hugs.

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  4. Fuck. I'm so sorry. I am just absolutely and totally sorry.

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  5. I've said it before and I will say until there is no more breath left in me - you are SO brave! One of the bravest women I've come to know. You did everything you could even when you were scared and sad - and that is the definition of brave and courageous. You are a champion and your family is lucky to have you. Be sad, drink wine and then let that lionheart roar. You have so much more to give. Love you!

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  6. I am so sorry! I hate reading these news and I hate that you have to go through this, again. You have done amazing and there's nothing left you can do! My heart goes out to you! Hugs!

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  7. I am so very sorry that it didn't work. :( Sometimes life is unfair.

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  8. Well $hit!!!! I was so hoping this was it for you!!' I'm sorry and I know nothing can make you feel better in this moment but you tried and think how much MORE you would've regretted if you hadn't done at least that? Hugs sweet mommas!!!

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  9. Well $hit!!!! I'm sorry! I know there's nothing you can say that makes this better-but you tried and that's indeed the best ANYONE of us could do...there's no failing in that! Hugs to you sweet mommas <3

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  10. Ugh I wish I had the right words to say, but really there aren't any :( I'm so so sorry. I'm thinking about you guys.

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  11. This is so not what I wanted to hear. I am incredibly sorry IVF didn't work out for you, life really is completely unfair sometimes :( Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers

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  12. I'm send a hug in your direction. I'm so sorry to read this news. I'm thinking about you all.

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  13. Oh friend...my heart breaks for you. I was praying for you ladies. God's plans aren't always what we want, huh? I'm hoping that in the coming weeks you find some time for you, to process and reflect...and know that i'm with you, holding your hand and offering hugs as needed...thinking of you mama...

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  14. Oh mama....I am so, so sorry for this loss. I want you to know, though, that I am thankful that you are able to so eloquently express your feelings about your journey because it really helps me to empathize with Kristie more. She also had to decide recently not to try anymore to be a bio mama, but she hasn't been able to share with me as much as you are sharing. I think she's probably experiencing a lot of what you are experiencing, though. This really helps me to have a place to start a conversation with her. Again, I'm really sorry, Kristin. I hold you and Georgia in my heart and thoughts often.

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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