Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Lifting us up

This is such an amazing community and I’m so thankful to be a part of it. I wanted to take some time to thank you all for the supportive and encouraging comments you left for us following my last post. The calls I’ve received, the emails and the FB messages have made life just a little bit easier. It’s been a week since this leg of our journey came to an end and things are still tough. I think they’re going to be tough for a while and I think that’s just to be expected. It’s like, first you go through this devastation of learning that the dream you had in your heart isn’t going to happen and then, in the days that follow, everything sinks in and you feel covered in sadness. There are pictures I’ve saved over the years as inspiration for things like maternity photos that are now deleted. Old wish bones I’ve held on to from past Thanksgivings, candles saved from birthday wishes and other lucky charms are now tucked away. Still I’m left with reminders everywhere of the plans we had for me to add a little one to our family, and it’s just so sad. There really is no other way to explain it. It’s sad and it’s heavy but we’re managing. Grace is healthy, Georgia and I have each other and thankfully my wife is willing to get back in the hot seat, so there’s some good in there too. For all of these things, I am so very thankful.

We’re taking our time making the transition to Georgia because the process can get overwhelming. Not only are we making this huge transition to another person but we’re tasked with finding a new donor as well and we {loved} our donor. He was everything we were looking for. He helped us create our beautiful and smart baby girl and he was so stinkin’ cute, so the bar is high. Costs are high as well. It seriously shocks me what these spe.rm banks feel is a reasonable amount to charge families in need of their products and services. Our bank is located out of state and has gone up by almost $200 a vial since we last purchased back in 2011. Two hundred dollars! I printed off their new donor catalog yesterday and even after narrowing my search parameters, there are still well over a hundred donors to choose from. I don’t even know where to start let alone how to pay for it all. I know we’ll figure it out but I’m still disappointed that we have too.

The guilt associate with all of this has been pretty hard on me. To know that we would have a 6 month old had I not miscarried… Or that I would be in my 2nd trimester had that first FET worked… Or that we would have a beautiful baby due in February had this last FET worked… It’s all so heavy on my heart. I know I can’t hold onto these feelings forever but I also know that I’m going to need help letting them go so I’ve joined an infertility support group. My first meeting is this Saturday and I’m really looking forward to it. I’m hoping to find comfort and resources in meeting people who are dealing with or have dealt with the same disappointment, guilt and loneliness that accompanies infertility. Both Georgia and I think it’s going to be really good for me.

As for Georgia, she’s handling all of this with the same sense of calmness that she maintains in all avenues of her life. She’s added a prenatal vitamin to her mix of daily supplements and starts fertility acupuncture today, so we’re excited to see some glimmer of progress emerging for us. We know that our next insemination will take place this year but we’re still not sure when exactly. There’s just so much to figure out before we get to that point and we’re really trying to take it one week at a time and enjoy scratching activities off our summer bucket list.

For me, I’ve kept from falling apart by telling myself repeatedly that it’s not over. I’ve been given no death sentence and I still have all of my baby making parts. Statistically speaking, my fertility isn’t expected to take a sharp decline for another 4-5 years, so I still have some time to try again, should I decide to. For some reason, just knowing that it could happen down the road makes me feel better, even if it never does. My wife is wholeheartedly responsible for keeping this hope alive for me, reminding me often that this is, “just a break”. While she has always wanted 2 kiddos, she told me the other day, “well, it looks like you’re going to get your 3 kids after all” said with a smirk. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Still, it’s nice to think that it could happen.


2 comments:

  1. Thank God for our calming and grounded wives.
    I remember when I found out Sydney was a girl and I was CERTAIN she was a boy. It was really heartbreaking because I had named her Spencer. I remember saying, "what the hell does that mean J" and she replied, "I guess it just means that Spencer is going to have an awesome big sister"
    She was right and I like to think that these women we love know something that we don't. :-) I'm going to follow your journey and give cyber hand holdings and hugs.

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  2. I'm sorry I missed this. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to give you big hugs and tell you how much you are loved and rooted for. I'm sorry this is so darn late. I've been so pre-occupied with my own crazy life going on, and I missed this! I hope you know how supported and loved you all three are from strangers in the middle of the country. No matter your next steps, your journey and your new chapter, I will be here, in your corner! <3

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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