Monday, February 8, 2016

Making time for ME.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look in the mirror and feel almost as though you don’t recognize yourself anymore? It’s like, you’ve been going through the motions and doing your regular day to day activities like work, motherhood, preschool carpools, etc. but you’ve somehow become disconnected from the person you used to be? Well, this pretty much sums up the past 2 years of my life. Infertility just kind of took over and I lost myself in the sadness of it all and couldn’t seem to find my way out.

These feelings are hard to explain without sounding like a miserable person, when in all honesty, I don’t feel depressed… I don’t feel overcome with sadness, nor do I feel an inability to connect with others. I just stopped being me. I had the gym membership, but no longer made the time to go. I can’t remember the last time I had a pedicure, which is something I used to love to do. My mama craft group… stopped going. The book club I once belonged to…stopped going to that quite a while ago. The friends I always made time for became people I missed very much but only connected with every couple of months. I was officially a closet smoker again, ugh. I pretty much stopped blogging or even reading blogs I once loved, all of it. I just became so damn lazy and stopped doing all the things that made ME happy.

I think this is something so easy to do when you’re a parent. You start to assimilate your level of happiness with your kiddo’s level of happiness and because Grace is in every activity under the sun, thriving and loving school, I let that be all the happiness I needed. What I’ve learned over time is that I can’t only focus my attention on her joy. I need to work on my {happy} too. She needs to see me make time for myself. She needs to know that mama likes to run and jump and get all dolled up to spend time with fun people too! She needs to hear me laugh, like really laugh! Most importantly, she needs to feel that I’m a joyful person. It needs to show on my face, so that’s been my focus in the New Year.

Yes, I’m that cliché, “New Year = New Me” person right now and I’m totally okay with that. The wife bought us both Fitbits and I’m obsessed with tracking my every move! I’m on week 5 back at the gym and have built up to 45-60 minutes of cardio (9k steps a day/average), which feels amazing! I’m once again a non-smoker and while I still have the occasional craving, I’ve stayed strong and it’s something I don’t really even think about anymore. This all means that some nights of the week I don’t see Grace until 6:15pm but we enjoy our mornings together, do lots of fun things on the weekends and if seeing mama 2-3 hours less during the week means I’m happier and healthier, I consider that an investment in both of us.

Feeling zero anxiety now that I’m making all of these changes and no longer taking fertility meds makes me question whether I ever want to get back in the ttc saddle. I was just so damn unhappy that I’m honestly thinking that’s not a role I was meant to play in this life. Oddly enough, the more time that passes, the more I’m ok with that. In the meantime, G is at it, full swing. I don’t think I’m going to blog about her journey to conceive baby #2 because I want to allow nature and whatever is going to happen to take it’s course without me obsessing about it (as I so easily tend to do). I pray things work out and there is another baby in our future, but I also know that what will be, will be. I’m choosing to move forward, scars and all… Still standing and ready for what’s next.

2 comments:

  1. This. All of this. So beautifully raw and a reminder of why I adore your blog (and you) so much. You do deserve that time and space. I'm guilty of all you speak of here. And, yes, as cliche as it sounds, finding oneself is something I think we all should do from time to time. Rejuvenate the soul <3

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  2. Right on sister!!! Our kids need to see that we are living fulfilled lives that are not just consumed by them. Even though that can be hard. :) My workout time is necessary to keep me sane as well as healthy. Proud o' you!!

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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