Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Trying to figure it out.

 “Adulting” is so damn hard. We hear this growing up, but do we really hear it? Well allow me to answer that question – we don’t. We rush through our childhood and adolescence wanting nothing more than to be older. To have more responsibility, more things, more money, etc. Well guess what folks, that’s called being an adult and sometimes,
it’s hard AF.
And this is where I find myself right now. In a hard place.
It’s funny. All my life I’ve longed for balance, but seldom have I been able to achieve it. When things were great in school academically growing up, friendships were usually not so good. When I’ve been my healthiest physically in years past, I’ve also been the loneliest, longing for a partner. When my family is finally exactly what I’ve always dreamed of, my career is in the toilet and I’m exhausted. Again.
Right now, my life looks pretty darn perfect from the outside, and it almost is perfect, except for a few things. Why must there always be those few fucking things?! My children are healthy, happy and ridiculously cute, and I have a pretty great wife. She’s near perfect but not all perfect, because none of us are. Georgia and I will be celebrating 11 years together next month and my God, have we been though a lot in those 11 years. We’ve often had conversations about all we’ve been through together and that we don’t know that most couples would have survived even half of what we’ve navigated… losing jobs, losing friends because of our commitment to each other; moving, buying a home, surviving infertility, surviving miscarriages, raising children as two gay moms, navigating Gracie’s operations, finding ways to pay for fertility treatment and said operations, dealing with crappy family members and, at times, falling “out of like” with each other.
What’s falling out of like, you ask? Allow me to explain. I will always love Georgia because of who she is and the impact she’s had on my life. She will always love me, but that doesn’t mean we’ll always like one another. All the hard shit listed above puts a lot of strain on a marriage and over time, if you’re not careful, it changes the way you speak to each other, how you view each other and it can make you fall out of like with one another. Lately, I find myself thinking back to our early years, when Georgia worshiped the ground I walked on and when I only had thoughts of love and rainbows for her too. You know, those years when the sex is amazing and frequent. When you take naps together only waking to eat and have more sex. You’re so connected because there is nothing pulling you in any other directions. It’s like you’re the only two people in the world and you’re basically obsessed with each other. Those were some great years.
Then, over time you decide to get married and fully blend your lives. This is when the hard stuff starts to creep in. The bills, the mixed family, the making of babies, the finding time for all of it and the other stuff that can be hard AF on a daily basis. Suddenly, you wake up and realize that you aren’t happy in your job, your house is always a mess, you’re exhausted and your wife hasn’t tried to seduce you or even cop a feel in months. This is basically where I am right now.
I remember feeling this way when Gracie was born. This is when I first realized that to be truly happy in life, I need 3 things: 7+ hours of sleep a night, an organized and somewhat tidy home and a feeling of physical connection to my wife – even if it’s just the occasional make out session. It doesn’t help that I learned 3 days before returning from FMLA that my position at work had been “absorbed” because the company is bleeding money and in huge financial trouble. I was told that I would be coming back to a completely new role, in a new department and would be building things from the ground up. It’s pretty much the last thing a mom with a newborn wants to hear, especially after spending 2 years building my previous position that now appears to run so perfectly that they want to “use my amazing talents in another area”… i.e. we’re going to continue to use you in any way we can. It also doesn’t help that a new baby means less sleep and more stuff and that the only “alone time” Georgia and I have each day is maybe 2 hours at night, which we often spend getting different things done in different rooms of the house…
I hate even writing things like this because how dare I complain. I have everything we’ve worked so hard for. We have our baby boy and he and his big sister are everything to us. We have a roof over our heads and we are both gainfully employed. Still, it’s so hard. Change is hard. Feeling like you can never truly find balance is hard. Being tired all the time is hard and missing the way your wife used to look at you -- is hard.
Adulting is fucking hard. Thank God for coffee.



9 comments:

  1. You are not alone. And honestly I really think it's part of the baby phase where you get overwhelmed, tired and it's so hard to have quality time with your spouse. I won't even say how long it's been since we've done anything intimate because it's sad...it's just the way things are and I know it can change as it did with our other kids. There is a phase where it's hard and it gets better. Some days we don't like each other but we love each other. We've also been through a lot (deaths, several moves, job losses, pet losses, financial strain, fertility/birth/adoption, family problems) and I know that she "gets" me and will be there for me, even when we drive each other nuts. It is HARD and adulting is HARD. Just wanted to say you are NOT alone and hang tight. This too shall pass.

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    1. Thanks for this comment, Stacey. It's funny, just writing this post made me feel better about these things that have been stressing me out! The wife and I planned a date night for next week, so that's a start. Now if only I could find someone to clean my house every other week! I really should look into that! :)

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  2. Anonymous22 July, 2017

    I was just going to comment that just writing this out, acknowledging it, can be so helpful and therapeutic. New babies are the sprinkles on the adulating cake of life.

    When things get over whelming for my wife and I. I remind myself of all the amazing things she and I, as individuals, bring to our life together. What we found in each other that made us like the other person in the first place and fall in love. Liking someone is not the same as loving someone and both are so important, the fact that you recognize the differences and know this is a just the ebb and flow you are in right now and are taking a bit of time for a "date night" is wonderful. Things will settle down in this season of your life, just so another can come invade your world. As my grandmother used to say, "The important thing about being with the person you married is remembering why you married them and looking for that person, because they are still there. Life is hard, but always remember, it wont be any easier with someone else or alone...so get to work, working with the person you chose and who chose you".

    Hang in there lady...and drink more coffee! :) Leslie

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  3. Anonymous24 July, 2017

    It is true, adulting really is hard AF. I'm amazed at what a difference intimacy makes. After our second was born I had a much greater need for physical intimacy with my wife, something, anything. I would give her a back rub, not to seduce, but just for the opportunity to feel her bare skin, and I was the one that carried both kids. I just needed any physical connection. And difficulties at work are so stressful! I often feel like I have no right to complain, I am so lucky, but life is still so hard. I'm glad you are writing about it.
    In response to earlier comment, a cleaning person to come in every other week is worth every penny! I was hesitant to do it, but now, I have given up cable to keep the cleaning person. Even once a month is still worth it.
    Good luck!

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    1. Thanks so much! Just hearing that others have experienced the same feelings helps! I really need to look into getting a cleaning service. We used one when Grace was younger for about a year, but she kept breaking stuff! I think it's time to find another!

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  4. I completely get you across the board here. I look back at how much sh*t we've been through in the past decade and am shocked we can even be in a room with each other these days. We (you and I) I think find it difficult to complain as others see us as living the American Dream but we are not feeling that dream in our daily reality. I know I'm blessed to have these kids and my life but does everything have to be so hard?! And I don't even drink coffee 😫

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    1. No coffee?! Oh hell no... I would die! It's funny, I know that Georgia doesn't read this blog (like ever), but just writing about this stuff has shifted something between us. Maybe it's that we're just doing a better job of adjusting to our life with two kids more so than 2 weeks ago, but this past week has been better. I seem to handle the day to day stuff better when things are going well at work and at home but that just hasn't been the case in my work life lately. I'm hoping we continue on this upswing!

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  5. Hi - I am not sure where I found your blog, but I did and I check it every now and again. First of all congrats on your son arriving and you have a beautiful family! Just wanted to say as someone who is on the cusp of an empty nest - it is all real. hard. and daunting some days. Figure out what really gives you angst and tackle that. Hang in there - as you said you have a ton and it seems trivial - but sometimes you just have to get it out to move on. Just wanted to pop out to say hi and hang in there!

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Thanks so much for keeping up with our little family! We love reading your comments and will get back to you as soon as we can.

K+G+g+w ♥

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