“Adulting” is so damn hard. We hear this growing up, but do we really hear it? Well allow me to answer that question – we don’t. We rush through our childhood and adolescence wanting nothing more than to be older. To have more responsibility, more things, more money, etc. Well guess what folks, that’s called being an adult and sometimes,
it’s hard AF.
And this is where I find myself right now. In a hard place.
It’s funny. All my life I’ve longed for balance, but seldom have I been able to achieve it. When things were great in school academically growing up, friendships were usually not so good. When I’ve been my healthiest physically in years past, I’ve also been the loneliest, longing for a partner. When my family is finally exactly what I’ve always dreamed of, my career is in the toilet and I’m exhausted. Again.
Right now, my life looks pretty darn perfect from the outside, and it almost is perfect, except for a few things. Why must there always be those few fucking things?! My children are healthy, happy and ridiculously cute, and I have a pretty great wife. She’s near perfect but not all perfect, because none of us are. Georgia and I will be celebrating 11 years together next month and my God, have we been though a lot in those 11 years. We’ve often had conversations about all we’ve been through together and that we don’t know that most couples would have survived even half of what we’ve navigated… losing jobs, losing friends because of our commitment to each other; moving, buying a home, surviving infertility, surviving miscarriages, raising children as two gay moms, navigating Gracie’s operations, finding ways to pay for fertility treatment and said operations, dealing with crappy family members and, at times, falling “out of like” with each other.
What’s falling out of like, you ask? Allow me to explain. I will always love Georgia because of who she is and the impact she’s had on my life. She will always love me, but that doesn’t mean we’ll always like one another. All the hard shit listed above puts a lot of strain on a marriage and over time, if you’re not careful, it changes the way you speak to each other, how you view each other and it can make you fall out of like with one another. Lately, I find myself thinking back to our early years, when Georgia worshiped the ground I walked on and when I only had thoughts of love and rainbows for her too. You know, those years when the sex is amazing and frequent. When you take naps together only waking to eat and have more sex. You’re so connected because there is nothing pulling you in any other directions. It’s like you’re the only two people in the world and you’re basically obsessed with each other. Those were some great years.
Then, over time you decide to get married and fully blend your lives. This is when the hard stuff starts to creep in. The bills, the mixed family, the making of babies, the finding time for all of it and the other stuff that can be hard AF on a daily basis. Suddenly, you wake up and realize that you aren’t happy in your job, your house is always a mess, you’re exhausted and your wife hasn’t tried to seduce you or even cop a feel in months. This is basically where I am right now.
I remember feeling this way when Gracie was born. This is when I first realized that to be truly happy in life, I need 3 things: 7+ hours of sleep a night, an organized and somewhat tidy home and a feeling of physical connection to my wife – even if it’s just the occasional make out session. It doesn’t help that I learned 3 days before returning from FMLA that my position at work had been “absorbed” because the company is bleeding money and in huge financial trouble. I was told that I would be coming back to a completely new role, in a new department and would be building things from the ground up. It’s pretty much the last thing a mom with a newborn wants to hear, especially after spending 2 years building my previous position that now appears to run so perfectly that they want to “use my amazing talents in another area”… i.e. we’re going to continue to use you in any way we can. It also doesn’t help that a new baby means less sleep and more stuff and that the only “alone time” Georgia and I have each day is maybe 2 hours at night, which we often spend getting different things done in different rooms of the house…
I hate even writing things like this because how dare I complain. I have everything we’ve worked so hard for. We have our baby boy and he and his big sister are everything to us. We have a roof over our heads and we are both gainfully employed. Still, it’s so hard. Change is hard. Feeling like you can never truly find balance is hard. Being tired all the time is hard and missing the way your wife used to look at you -- is hard.
Adulting is fucking hard. Thank God for coffee.